This is the second installment in my series on Intentional Parenting. You can read about My Goals for 2019 here.
We have struggled with toddler tantrums and incessant whining for so long. So long that I don’t remember what life is without a background noise of ongoing lamentations and disaster. I literally cannot grasp the concept of there ever being a day again without it.
We tried so many things to address the communication deficit. Jonas had speech therapy for a year. We disciplined, gave in, took away and pacified. And one day we realized we were at the end of our rope with a noose tied in.
The Problem Wasn’t Him—It Was Me
Somewhere in the middle of the struggle it occurred to me that I have several friends who I almost never see touch their phones when we are over for play dates. It wasn’t something I noticed immediately about them. Rather, it was something I came to notice about myself.
I had created a vicious cycle: my toddler would whine and pitch a fit and I would retreat into my phone. I had learned from most sources that the best thing to do when a child throws a fit for everything is to JUST IGNORE IT. Don’t give it your attention. And that’s what I did.
The problem? There is such a thing as too little attention.
I am actually a little embarrassed to admit this, because it may be blatantly obvious to some. But one day, for whatever reason, I put my phone down as an experiment. As much as was possible, I didn’t let my kids see me using my phone or staring at a screen. And you know what? Things were so much better.
Kids Really Do Need Undivided Attention
Listen, I will be the first to admit, just driving cars across the floor and stacking blocks for hours is so dang boring. It’s not that it is physically taxing, but it is mentally draining for me. Especially having to be “impressed” all the time. But it’s what my kids, ALL kids, need. Any time that you or I spend looking at them over a screen doesn’t count as time or attention in their book. And it shouldn’t count in ours either.
I hadn’t planned on preaching myself a sermon this morning, but here we are! Chime in if you needed to hear this, too.
The Pros of Parenting Over a Screen
Mental stimulation. That’s about it! I can think of maybe one or two minor benefits outside of a dopamine hit. Like I said, I know it’s boring. Or maybe some of you really enjoy getting down in the floor with your kids, like my neighbor Aubrey. She is supermom in that respect. (Hey, Aubrey! You go girl!) But I am not that person. I love reading and listening to philosophy and working out theories and writing. Using my phone throughout the day while I’m around my kids does keep me from feeling isolated and trapped in toddler limbo.
The Cons of Parenting Over a Screen
You can’t monitor behavior effectively. When I’m trying to parent over a screen, I end up NOT parenting. My boys play whack-a-mole with each others’ heads the moment I step out of the room–or even when I’m standing IN the room and not paying attention. Constantly being distracted by a screen means I’m missing a lot of bad behavior that’s working its way up to habit status.
Good behavior plummets. Kids don’t understand this whole virtual world we live in. All they know is they don’t have our attention and are having to compete with something else to get it. There are lots of ways to get attention, even good ways, but in my experience, feeling forgotten means bad behavior. My kids never try to please me as a means of getting my attention. They almost always throw a tantrum, break something, and scream and cry. Which feeds into that cycle of me retreating into something more pleasant—like an Instagram post about that #momstrugglelife. Irony much?
Your kids will remember you with a phone in your hand. This actually breaks my heart to think about. It occurred to me one day that if I continue this pattern of behavior, they are going to remember me as always having a phone in my hand. They are always going to remember that Mom was never fully there. That they were never good enough or worthy of her attention. She always had to have something else besides them. This problem is unique to the children of the millennial generation. And it’s terrifying to think how many bonds are never and WILL never be formed because parents could never take them time to look up, really look up, at their children. If daycare and divorce broke the millennials, phones and tablets will break generation Z.
Put Down the Phone
I’ve already told you I’m preaching to myself here, but are you guilty of trying to parent over a screen, too? Part of my goals this year is to be a more intentional parent. What more effective way to implement that than to swear off unwarranted screen time? Here are a few ways to battle your phone habits:
- Silence your phone. It drives my husband crazy that he can’t get a hold of me a lot of times, but silencing my phone and leaving it on the kitchen counter helps me to stay OUT of the loop. No getting distracted by notifications and rings every 10 minutes.
- Leave it somewhere else. Like I said, I tend to leave mine on the kitchen counter and try not to bring it with me around the house unless I’m expecting something important. Sure other people might think what they are trying to reach you for is important, but you’ve got to set that boundary. Because raising your kids without distraction is more important. Set a boundary and allocate time when YOU choose to address phone calls, texts, and emails. Not when others think you need to.
- Set a time limit. They have all kinds of apps and settings now for you to set limits on yourself. Make use of these and spend your screen time wisely.
- Address your screen business in chunks. This isn’t just beneficial for your kids but also for your productivity. Being a slave to your calls, texts, and emails all day keeps you distracted and ineffective in getting stuff done. Set aside certain times during the day to address everything at once. For me this is usually right before my kids get up (texting people I need to ask about something specific, clearing my inbox, etc.) and after they’ve gone to bed.
- Use your phone on the DL. Inevitably, we all need to use our phones throughout the day. Life in the real world has evolved to a point of needing them for most things. In that case, at least try to wait until they are busy playing, watching TV, or snacking. Don’t feel guilty about using your phone in front of your kids, but keep it brief and on-task. We aren’t trying to make them think using the phone is bad, after all. Just that it’s a tool to be mastered; not our master. And above all, not more important than relationships.
A wise friend once told me he didn’t work from home, even when he had the ability to. Because he didn’t want his daughters to see him sitting in front of a screen all day. He said, “They don’t understand that it’s work. All they know is that I’m ignoring them.”
So I got up off the floor after being hit with that truth grenade, dusted off my pants, and said, “Wow. You’re right.” And vowed to change my ways. The tantrums haven’t ceased entirely, but with baby steps in the right direction, we are making significant progress.
The biggest part of being an intentional parent is being PRESENT. If you need to admit this to yourself like I did, crack some knuckles and get to it! No matter how many blocks you have to endure stacking. Your kids will thank you for it.
Follow me on Instagram @huntressathome and join me on my journey towards a more simple, minimal, intentional life.