This is the third installment in my series on how I’m Harboring a Warm & Peaceful Home as part of my goals for 2019. And how you can, too! You can read about My Goals for 2019 here. (They also happen to be the new mission statement for Huntress At Home.)
Today, I want to step on a few toes… including my own. I’m talking about husbands. It’s so easy to forget in the middle of caring for children, keeping a clean house, being involved in ministry and cooking dinner that, really, our HUSBANDS should be our first priority. We married them with the promise of putting them first, but do we really?
And I’ll take it a step further: do you put his needs first even when it feels unreciprocated? Ooo, yeah, that’s tough. And it’s something I’m working hard on this month/year. After all, how warm and peaceful can a home be if the two main occupants aren’t working for one another?
Related: Making Marriage A Little Bit Better
You Are Called To Support Him
Ladies, it’s YOUR job to make your relationship an inviting one. It’s YOUR job to receive your husband, as he is, with open arms. It’s your responsibility to send him off knowing things are taken care of at home and provide him a place of comfort–a safe haven–to return to at night.
Are you supporting your husband with your actions and your words? Or do you cause him stress and tear him down? Does your husband know what to expect from you or does he dread going home because he never knows what he will get?
Is your home (and your heart) a warm, peaceful, and inviting place for him to return to each day?
If you are treating your husband in a way that makes him feel at peace in your home, you are going to draw him out and make him a better man! Here are a few things you can do to make your home (and yourself) a safe haven for your husband.
8 Ways To Make Your Home A Safe Place For Your Husband
1. Don’t nag him
Man. I know my husband is going to read this and have half a mind to set me straight. (Hey, babe!) But I know he will have enough grace to understand I”m still working on NOT nagging him.
Your husband is a full-grown adult. He doesn’t need a mother, he needs a wife. If he does still act like you are his mother, nagging him STILL won’t do either of you any good. It didn’t do any good even when he was under his mother’s authority (none of us liked being nagged by our parents, right?), so why go there?
Instead, learn to hold your tongue. It can be so hard when you start, but the longer you practice being slow to speak, the easier it gets. It doesn’t matter how annoying something is that he does (or doesn’t do), get over yourself and hush. Your constant pecking at him probably just makes him more averse to doing what you want him to do anyways.
BUT there IS someone you can talk to about your husband, and, no, I don’t mean your friends.
2. Pray for him
Whether your husband is bugging you or MIA, you can pray for him. Rather than confronting him on everything he does or doesn’t do, take your requests to the Father–the only one who can truly change your husband.
And don’t just ask God for the things you want changed in your husband. Pray for his needs. Pray for his day. Pray for his spiritual growth and strength. The biggest way you can support your husband is to stop nagging him, trust in God’s work in his life, and pray for him daily.
(PS. There is a difference between letting God work in your husband’s life and confronting your husband when he is legitimately doing something wrong. Choose your battles and be iron that sharpens iron, not nails on a chalk board.)
3. Do it yourself
This goes hand in hand with nagging, but if you find that your husband forgets or neglects to do something, give him the benefit of the doubt and just do it yourself. I’ll give you a mild example.
My husband has this bad habit of throwing food in the sink. We don’t have a garbage disposal, so it all sits there and gets gunky and I HATE IT. I have told him please don’t do that because then I have to scoop it out and throw it in the trash. I know he has heard my request, but you know what? Maybe it’s still just a bad habit he’s working on from when we did have a disposal. I doubt he continues to do it with ill intent, so I don’t take the opportunity to speak ill words about it. I just get over it and scoop it into the trash when he does it. In the grand scheme…
In fact, I’m sure there are things he goes behind me and does that I neglect to do just the same.
Love covers a multitude of sins, even goopy sink food sins.
4. Ask him what you can do to help
Are you noting a pattern here? Being a safe haven for your husband (or for anyone, for that matter) has a LOT to do with your words. There’s a reason the Bible says,
Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
-Proverbs 18:21 AMP
And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.
Try to make a habit every morning of asking your husband what you can do to help him today. I try to ask my husband this often (it usually returns a request for something to be ironed haha!!), and it lets him know that I’m still in the business of working for him and not just for our kids; that I’m home not just for their benefit, but also for his!
5. Commit to exclusive time with him
Do you have time set aside just for your husband? Or are you just squeezing him in when you can?
My kids are only (almost) 1 and 3 years old. It’s a really tough season for making time for date night. But that doesn’t make it any less important. In fact, it’s probably MORE important now than it will ever be because of the lack of time we have as a couple.
So, we have committed to one night a week together, just the two of us, for the sole purpose of being in each other’s company. As a bare minimum. We still rarely get to go OUT for date nights, but, nevertheless, every Friday night, we show up and have date night in. Sometimes we just have a conversation or play political hangman (literally what we did last week) (he had a significantly hard time when I chose the word was “Chappaquiddick” HAHA), but the point is we are intentional about it.
6. Make him food
Or anything for that matter! Make an effort to do or make things he enjoys. My husband loves frosted sugar cookies. Making them from scratch is *huff* TIME-consuming. But, he loves them and I know it conveys a special message of love to him when I take the time to make them.
He knows I can’t do it often, so we compromised and I gave him coupon for Christmas for a batch of frosted sugar cookies to be redeemed at any time he chooses in 2019.
What actions make your husband feel appreciated? Do them! Lay down your pride and just think of how you can make your husband’s life better.
7. Treat him as more important than yourself
Speaking of laying down your pride, treat your husband as more important than yourself. How would you treat someone who actually WAS more important than you? Don’t treat your husband any different!
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with [an attitude of] humility [being neither arrogant nor self-righteous], regard others as more important than yourselves. 4 Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this same attitude in yourselves which was in Christ Jesus [look to Him as your example in selfless humility].
Philippians 2:3-5 AMP
Essentially, the best thing you can do for your husband is to get over yourself (and your feminist outlook on life) and just be good to him. I know that’s easier said than done, but God made us to be helpmeets. And when you treat your husband with that respect, your home will be a more peaceful place for not just your husband and children, but for you also.
8. Make what is important to him your priority
Finally, look at what your husband prioritizes in your home and family and make them your priorities. What chores does your husband gravitate towards? What things does he keep asking you to do? What values and skills does he want passed on to your children?
One thing I’ve learned is that it doesn’t matter how much I clean or work around the house, there are 3 basic things that my husband notices:
- if the laundry is out of control
- whether there are crumbs on the counters
- vacuum lines.
I used to strive to make him understand how hard I worked on other things (that were more important to me). It took me so long to discover the solution to all of our fights over laundry and a dirty kitchen. I quit trying to make him see what I WAS doing. And I prioritized the things that he noticed the most.
That means every morning I do a load of laundry so it doesn’t get backed up. That means after every meal, I do a cursory kitchen cleaning to keep things from getting out of hand. And it means I vacuum at LEAST the main areas every Friday so he can feel refreshed after a long week at work.
Now, I just dust whenever I can. I change the sheets as often as I’m able. And I don’t worry about my bookshelf being organized just right. And, you know what? Everyone is happier for it because my husband can see progress where it makes him feel most at ease–meaning no more fights about my housekeeping.
Related: How To Get Your Chores Done Strategically & Have More Time With Family
Take the challenge!
Now it’s your turn! I challenge you to try each of these things this coming week and see if it doesn’t improve your marriage and make your home a more peaceful place for your family.
Have any more ideas to share? Leave a comment! Or email me and let me know how you are making your marriage a little bit better.
Follow me on Instagram @huntressathome and join me on my journey towards a more minimal, simple, intentional life.