The other day, I was contemplating the many hats I wear as a stay-at-home mom. I’m a chef and snack-purveyor. I’m a laundry service, nutritionist, playmate and maid. And I’m especially a teacher. But then I thought of something else. I’m not just a teacher; I’m also a student. And I’m here to tell you: Moms, study your kids.
Sometimes I get so caught up in a list of things I want to teach my boys that I can forget to sit back and watch them interact with their world. I can easily overlook their interests while trying to bridle them with my own agenda.
But part of my job as a mom is to study. To study my kids and learn what makes them tick. What gets them excited and stretches their creativity and imagination.
Lately, I’ve been reading the book 10 Ways To Destroy the Imagination of Your Child and learning so much about how to foster an environment for my kids where I can watch them exercise their preferences. I highly recommend this book!
Another book I recommend for discovering the talents and smarts that are bottled up inside your babes: 8 Great Smarts by Kathy Koch. Or, really, anything by Kathy. She is so fantastic and encouraging.
So, how does one go about studying their children? I’ve thought about it and wanted to share some ideas with you. First, you’ve got to foster an environment where they can learn, connect, and explore. Here are 5 ways to create such an environment and, in turn, study your kids.
5 Ways to Create Space For Your Kids
1. Stop worrying.
Rule #1, moms. You’ve got to STOP worrying. Put away your fears of the germs, of accidents, of checklists, and whether your children are prepared for X. Stop worrying about the future and be with them in this moment.
My son is 31 months old. According to all the charts, studies, and recommendations, he should have well over 400 words and be constructing sentences on his own by now. But he isn’t. He has about 40 words and has been in no hurry to get them.
For a while I let that bother me. The doctors were worried, the extended family was worried, even my husband was concerned. But even the doctors and speech therapists could find nothing wrong and no reason for his delay. To put it bluntly, he’s just stubborn. And it’s clear from the start he isn’t going to be much of a linguist.
But you know what? That’s ok. I’ve decided it’s not worth worrying about. He will talk more when he’s ready and I’m just enjoying his gibberish in the mean time. I’ve decided I’m not letting worry steal anymore joy from this short time while my babies are small.
What has you worried about your child? Try to let it go. You won’t ever be able to kick back and watch them explore or show you what they are good at, what fascinates them, if you are too caught up in meeting all the standards on the world’s time.
2. Schedule time for unstructured play.
It’s important to not over-schedule your children. These days, kids tend to be molded to a rigorous schedule of activities and extracurriculars when what they really need is time to breathe and discover themselves—their likes, thoughts, and opinions.
If your kids are older, one idea is to designate one hour a day as “quiet time.” The kids should go to their play space and be expected to entertain themselves for the hour—which simultaneously allows mom some much-needed quiet time, too! If you have younger children, simply hand them an activity and engage with them. Or, allow them to tell YOU what they want to do today. You might be surprised with their creativity when left to their own devices.
3. Let them roam.
My parents always told me that when they were kids, after school and on weekends, they would disappear until dinner time. They played in the woods, sometimes miles from home. But I remember, even when I was elementary school-aged, we were allowed to go out on our own for hours. And that was only 15 years ago. Perhaps not as far as kids in the 70s, but as long as we were within earshot, we were free to roam. And roam, we did. Generally we didn’t worry about sunscreen or ticks or falling out of trees.
I’m not saying let your kids wander off from home in all directions, especially if they are young, obviously. But give them free range of the backyard. Let them get their hands dirty.
One thing I like to do is let my kids go “earthing.” Which is a fancy way of saying “let them run around outside without shoes.” And, except for diapers, clothes are optional when it’s warm outside. This creates space for them to experience nature and freedom.
These days, you don’t see a lot of that. But it’s important to let your children interact with the world around them. Including indoors! If the day is rainy, let them discover new things around the house. My philosophy is this: if it doesn’t hurt them and won’t cause any undue damage, let them play.
4. Focus on open-ended activities.
Kids learn through play, specifically open-ended play. Instead of making sure they are rigorously busy with activities and places to be, make space for them to use their imaginations. Think arts, crafts, building, and the like.
Here’s a list of open-ended activity ideas to get your rolling:
- Play dough
- Blocks
- Pillow forts
- Chalk
- Finger paint
- The sandbox
- A water table
- Paper crafts
- Sticker books
- Dance parties
- Roughhousing
The possibilities are endless! The best thing you can do to study your kids is to put the tools in their hands and watch them come to life.
5. Unplug.
Lastly, unplug. It’s so important to give your children your one-on-one FULL attention. You will never be able to study and get to know your children intimately if you are constantly peering over a screen. And they will notice. Even just 20 minutes a day of your undivided attention can do wonders for your child’s growth and confidence.
Unplugging goes just the same for children. Try as much as possible not to rely on the TV or iPad to entertain them. If you are a SAHM, push through the day as long as you can and save the screen time for when you really really need a break or have to get something critical accomplished. (Preaching to myself here!!)
Sit Back & Study Your Kids
Once you’ve created this space for your little ones, pour yourself a cup of coffee and observe. Sometimes you may have to engaged with them; other times they may entertain themselves for a good, long while.
The other day my two-year-old, Jonas, grabbed my hand, took me to the closet, and, in his wordless way, asked me for the play dough. I hadn’t planned on this activity and it seemed like it would be a terrible mess, but I obliged. And with only a ball of dough, a peanut butter knife, and a cookie cutter, he passed nearly 45 minutes showing me what he was capable of. And all it took was my willingness to let him.
Taking the time to sit with my boy and watch him play, I was able to learn more about his dexterity, his virtues and vices, whether he enjoyed cutting the dough or flattening it more. I was able to listen for new words and observe his emotions. And learn where he lacked confidence and where he dared to jump (sometimes quite literally).
What Do You Do With What You’ve Learned About Your Child?
Perhaps you have done the very same thing as I did! What do you now do with the vague collection of facts and nuances you’ve gathered about your child? Here are some ideas:
1. Tailor to their interests.
One reason I want to homeschool is to take what I am learning about my children and “train them up in the way they should go” (Proverbs 22:6). I get so excited thinking about working with my children as they grow in things they love and helping them hone their skills.
But even if you don’t homeschool, you can still watch your children and tailor their free time and activities to their skills and interests.
I learned pretty quickly that Jonas loves machinery like his daddy. Anything with wheels gets him happier than a cobbler in a shoe store. (Does that even make sense?!) And, as obvious as it may seem, I plan to steer his education in that direction should his interest continue to increase with time.
2. Train them up.
While studying your kids, you may notice they are very detail-oriented, patient, or tidy, among many other virtues. But you also may notice that they can be quite bossy, careless, or prone to tantrums. Take the opportunity to plan for edification steps, which is another way to “train them up.”
If you notice a bad characteristic cropping up in your child, work with them on that one flaw as you parent. (As opposed to trying to tackle every character flaw at once.) And remember to pray for them and for wisdom.
3. Build your relationship.
Whatever you learn while you study your child, use it as a bridge to better relate to them. If they are interested in bugs, meet them there and use the fertile ground of their fascinations to grow your relationship.
I can’t tell you how boring cars and machinery are to me. But because it is a fascination for my two-year-old, we read books about them, stop on the street to watch them go by, and talk about them (even though it’s mostly me talking at this point!)
4. Look in the mirror.
Finally, whatever you notice as you study your kids, know that, ultimately, it is a reflection of you. If your child is impatient, though it is part of the sin nature, a closer look may reveal something in yourself you need to work on.
In conclusion, moms, part of your job as a mom is to study. Take the time to study your kids and use the knowledge you discover to aid their growth as they become individuals. Give them space, give them freedom, and you may be amazed at just how intricate and smart your little people are.
Such a sweet look at how you spend time with your boys and nuture their interest.